Tag: parenting

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FINALLY–A Book Review: The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read… by Philippa Perry

Oh my, it has been 7 months since my last book review… But it doesn’t mean I have not been reading. On the contrary, I have tried to read more than one book simultaneously. Actually, I tried to read 3 books at the same time. I had a devotional via personal stories type book which I read a few times a week before bed, as well as this big fantasy novel and a more serious book – the one I am reviewing today. However, my brain and life schedule just didn’t allow me to. I felt conflicted about which book I should read (between the fantasy and the serious one) each time I wanted to read during the day. In the end, I gave up trying to read both and stayed with the Philippa Perry one.

This is the first time I am reviewing a book which is non-fiction and I think it would fall under self-help or parenting book.

The subtitle for this book by Perry goes on to say “(and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did) – I hope so.

Perry focuses on the child-parent relationship and clearly states in the foreword, “This is not a straightforward parenting book. I’m not going to go into details about potty training or weaning. This book is about how we have relationships with our children, what gets in the way of a good connection and what can enhance it…” so there are no “tips, tricks or parenting hacks…”

I would go a bit further and say that the basic ideas and principles Perry highlights in this book can be applied to any relationship we have. There’s a lot of extending understanding and kindness, a lot of stating clearly what one’s feelings are and for the very young in our lives, we the adults, need to be naming feelings for them.

That said, a lot of what Perry recommends is quite contrary to what I have been brought up to believe about the parent-child relationship. But I can see her logic – it’s probably true that I grew-up under the “parent-as-doer” and “child-as-done-to” model which has been a model for many generations and I see it is especially so in Asian societies where age takes precedence over any other consideration; so what your parent says goes.

While I have grown up under the “doer-done-to” model, I consider myself as having had a good childhood and very loving parents who are supportive and always there for us. Looking at my family circumstances, both parents working full time to provide for us, there was perhaps not the luxury of time to apply all of Perry’s principles of defining ourselves, trying to understand the feelings behind each behaviour and brainstorming with the child to come to a solution. This collaborative approach takes time and I can see that there are family circumstances which may not allow for this approach.

But as parents, we all do our best. I certainly know my parents did their best and it was enough. I hope I have and continue to do my best. Perry is very encouraging and repeats many times that we all make mistakes and it’s not the error that is important; it is the making the repair that is crucial.

It took me a while to finish this book because I had to read, digest, reflect on each section in relation to my life, my parents, my child and my own feelings about it. While I may not agree with every single thing Perry wrote, I come away from this book with a better understanding of myself and with a sadness that there were some things I would have done differently if I had known. However, I also know that I did my best and have hope that it’s never too late for repair.

I would recommend any one who wants a better understanding of the relationships in our lives and how our parents relationship with us as children and as adults affects how we relate to our own child/ren and other people.

Have you read this book? What are your thoughts on it?

Happy Reading.

syc

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They were Mean to My Kid…

meantomychild20140118Yes, kids can be mean; my boy has seen his fair share of mean kids and the mama bear in me wants so very much to go and knock some sense into these kids who use their words as a weapon and do mean things to get a laugh. BUT… i don’t …

Why? One reason is because i can’t express myself sufficiently well enough in German to get my full intent across. Another reason is sometimes (just some of the time) i feel my boy needs to learn to stand up / speak up for himself.

It’s a fine line and one i have lots of problems walking along because my boy is a sensitive child and what people say to him and about him really does bother him a whole lot!

Like just the other day, on the way home, his friend called him dumb. Apparently for no reason and without provocation. He was upset and felt that all the kids must think that. When he left to go back to school for the afternoon, he didn’t want to walk with his best friend because his best friend was already walking with the friend who called him dumb. They were ahead of us and kept looking back. My boy was upset, thinking they were talking about him and how dumb he is. i told him that may not be true and that he should be the bigger person and just let it go.

Yes, easier said than done.

i wanted so much to go up to the other boy and ask why he called my boy dumb – but i didn’t. i wanted to call his mother but i didn’t. Should i have? i’m not sure it would have been the best thing.

i read this article yesterday  – What to do When Someone is Mean to Your Child – and it hit home

And what she said to her boy is exactly what i want and need to say to my boy.

My boy needs to know that mean people will always exist regardless of how good you try to be and that we should never try to please people. We live by God’s standard.

My boy needs to know that what people say of him / about him does not define who he is. He is a well-loved son, grandson and friend and most importantly, a beloved child of God.

My boy needs to know that he can be assertive without resorting to physically hitting back.

My boy needs to know that there are people (like his teachers, us, grandparents, uncle etc…) he can go to if he needs to; when bullies get to be too much.

My boy needs to know that God’s standard means we need to be kind to everyone; it’s a way of showing God’s love to the people around us. And the kindness he shows will come back to him.

My boy needs to know that bullies can sometimes be victims themselves and he needs to be like Jesus and try to see the possible good in a person and see how he can help.

It is a tall order and i hope that my boy will learn it and be the kind friend. He won’t learn it all at once but bit by bit i pray he will grow into that kind of person.

So what do you do when someone is mean to your kid?

syc

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Too Much Parenting?…

Education vs Experience
Education vs Experience (Photo credit: gtalan)

So over the last few weeks, which i spent in my homeland of Singapore, i have observed my friends with their children and other children in general. i have eavesdropped on conversations (not intentionally, people are just in such close proximity on public transport, it can’t be helped).
My friends and we generally share the same basic principles in parenting and allowing our children to learn as much as they can on their own.

But the conversations of the kids on the trains tell me something else. They seemed so pre-occupied with issues which are non-issues really. But then they were teens and of cos i’m on a completely different wavelength.

Then i spoke to another friend who is a lecture at a technical institute and am horrified to hear that even there, the last stop before these young people face society as working adults, students hide behind their parents; getting their parents to fight for everything from a better grade to days off without valid reasons, to excuses for undone work.

All the above left me wondering and making a comparison with the way kids are taught here, what they are expected to learn and be able to do on their own here. It also reminded me of this article: Why my child will be your child’s boss – CBS News.

Have a read and let me know what you think.

My favourite line:

So, while he’s 4 and generally covered in dirt, I suspect he’ll be more prepared for leadership when we move back to the U.S. than will children who have no freedom and responsibility and face no consequences. 

That is, if he doesn’t cut off his own hand with the saw.

syc