Being Parent – Page 7 – trippingdifferently

July 31, 2013

Please Don’t Help My Kids…

Today my son got a new toy (shhh… don’t tell my husband…).

So when we got home to Grandma’s house, he wanted to open it. i said, “Sure.” He set about happily opening it. But got kinda stuck at the last part. Grandma wanted to help him but i told her he can manage. And he did after a bit more struggle.

That was a very very tiny event. But it reminded me of this article: Please Don’t Help My Kids – Kate Bassford Baker’s Blog – Alameda, CA Patch.

Click on image to find out more about it… i think it’s a great art piece… reaching for the sky…

i completely agree with her. Kids need to learn that they have the ability to do whatever it is they need or want to get done. They just have to push themselves just that little bit harder, try again.

That has always been the spirit which we try to instill in our little guy (not so little anymore, i have to constantly remind myself).

We don’t buy every toy he wants. He saves his own money and buys some of his toys himself. (Doting grandparents buy a fair bit of his toys, we don’t.) Or i would wait till he has shown wonderfully good behaviour and surprise him by telling him he can get a toy or i would pay for half an expensive toy for him. We want him to learn the value of money as well as patience and to have the ability to save for later (delayed gratification).

We encourage him to try to do everything he can himself. We do very little for him these days (he is after all 9 already). We have always nudge him to try new things. We want him to not be afraid and to dive into life, loving what it has to offer.

We don’t fuss over every fall or cut he has. We check it, ask if he is alright and get him to carry on. We have always tried not to baby him and to allow him to fall and pick himself up.

We try to get him to solve issues with his friends himself, only offering advice as to possible solutions when he asks. Same with difficult homework.

All because we…

…want (him) to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success.

…want (him) to believe in (his) own abilities and be confident and determined in (his) actions.

…want (him) to accept (his) limitations until (he) can figure out a way past them on (his) own significant power.

…want (him) to feel capable of making (his) own decisions, developing (his) own skills, taking (his) own risks, and coping with (his) own feelings…

It is not the easiest thing to do as a parent because the first thing i wanna do is to rush over and protect him, keep him safe from all the hurts and bad things. But i will not always be there so i need to help equip him to deal with the mountains he might face.

Is this what they call “Tough Love”? Maybe. But i have seen too many kids who have grown up with a sense of entitlement, a sense of the ‘world-owes-me’ to not be tough for the sake of my little guy and his future.

syc

June 16, 2013

To My Father…

When i think of my father, it is his smile i see.
When i think of my father, it is his hugs i feel.
When i think of my father, it is his laughter i hear.
When i think of my father, it is his favourite coffee i smell.

My father is my teacher. He shows me how things work.
My father is my advisor. He tells me the best way to go.
My father is my protector. He keeps danger away from me.
My father is my example. He leads by being the best he can be.

Daddy, i love you more than words can say.
Daddy, i love you sun up till sun down.
Daddy, i love you moonrise till moonset.
Daddy, i love you further than the furthest star.

Thank you for being my daddy and a wonderful grandfather to my boy.

Father and Son after a day on the ski slopes.

To my loving husband, the father of my son…

You are the strength which holds us.
You are the light which lights our way.
You are the shade which protects us.
You are the love which fills us.

Thank you for being the steadfast influence in our son’s life.
Thank you for guiding him in the way he should go.
Thank you for fixing his toys – always.
Thank you for showing him he is loved, even in discipline.

We love you like the gerbil loves nuts.
We love you like the flowers love the sun.
We love you like the hummingbirds love nectar.
We love you more than we can ever say or show.

Thank you for being the father you are to our boy.

To all the fathers out there, Happy Father’s Day!

syc

May 31, 2013May 31, 2013

To Yell or Not To Yell…

… that’s the question! (be warned, this is going to be a stream of consciousness post.)

Yes it is! It has been a question which has occupied my mind before, in passing, at that point i decided i couldn’t deal with it. Then a couple of days ago i came across this post. And over the last couple of days, i had my son’s best friend stay with us for 48 hours, yes for 2 whole days i was a mother of two 😉

Now i have had this boy stay over with us before, quite a few times, usually just a one night thing (evening till lunch) and i have even taken him with us to a farm stay for two nights. We have had no problems and the boys get on really well, even though there were always times they fight/disagree. But for some reason, this time round, i had yelled so much more. i don’t know – they were just rowdier or it could be the phrase of the moon – who knows?

It is no secret – i’m a yeller. (See this post.) And yes i always feel bad after i yell. So when i read that post from Orange Rhino, i could identify with some of what she wrote but i disagree with some of it too.

For example,

2. My kids are my most important audience.

While i can understand where she is coming from, and i fully agree that if you have self-control in public, you can do the same in private, i have to say that i am not my son’s mother to get praises from him. This, likely, has much to do with my Asian upbringing. We are taught from young that we respect our parents, regardless, because they are our parents and everything (i mean EVERYTHING) they do is for our good, whether we see it or not. (Here’s more about that.) So being proclaimed “Best Mummy” is not a viable goal for me.

However, i heartily agree with the following statements:

4. I can’t always control my kids’ actions, but I can always control my reaction.

9. Taking care of me helps me to not yell.

Back to what i was feeling, i was feeling terrible for yelling so much over the last couple of days. And i kept thinking about this Orange Rhino Challenge and maybe i should do it. So i read about the 12 Steps and the Alternatives to Yelling.

The 12 Steps i like very much, it makes the goal of not yelling doable. The Alternatives to Yelling had me smiling through most of it. But i don’t think i would be able to use some of it, such as:

1. Run around the house

i live in an apartment (92m sq), filled with furniture, not much room to run around it. 😉

29. Go read favorite page of 50 Shades of Grey

Don’t have the book, don’t intend to or want to purchase it. 😛

37 . Open up the freezer and put head in

If you have been to our apartment or any small apartment in Switzerland, you would know it is not possible to put your head in the freezer! ahhahaa 😉

Ok so far, i’m leaning on the side of trying the challenge – at least for a month or a couple of weeks? Maybe?

THEN… i read this other post today! And i nodded through it. It is hard to not re-post it in its entirety here because i do love every line he wrote! But i will show restraint and post only what is related to yelling…

You are not a terrible parent if you yell at your kids sometimes. You have little dictators living in your house. If someone else talked to you like that, they’d be put in prison.

… and an encouraging line or two or three…

You’re an actual parent with limits. You cannot do it all. We all need to admit that one of the casualties specific to our information saturated culture is that we have sky-scraper standards for parenting, where we feel like we’re failing horribly if we feed our children chicken nuggets and we let them watch TV in the morning.

One of the reasons we are so exhausted is that we are oversaturated with information about the kind of parents we should be.

So maybe it’s time to stop reading the blogs that tell you how to raise the next President who knows how to read when she’s three and who cooks, not only eats, her vegetables. Maybe it’s time to embrace being the kind of parent who says sorry when you yell. Who models what it’s like to take time for yourself. Who asks God to help you to be a better version of the person that you actually are, not for more strength to be an ideal parent.

So where am i going with this post, my post?

Well, i don’t know. (i did warn you at the beginning.) i guess i’m still processing and i wanted to tell mummies and daddies out there:

You are doing the best you can. You love your child/ren. You feed them, clothe them, make sure they get an education, love them, have fun with them, hug them, talk with them, take care of them when they are unwell, you worry about their future, you hope and pray they will be well, strong, kind and show love to others… and much much more… You are doing the best you can so give yourself a break, take a seat, kick off your shoes, breath and have a drink (not necessarily alcoholic).

And whether or not i will take the “not yelling” challenge, we’ll talk about that another time. Until then, i intend to take the following advice from Orange Rhino when yelling situations occur:

94. Count to 10. Or 100. Or 1000 until you calm down. (forces one to regroup and get perspective)

95. Walk away (more opportunity to gain perspective)

96. Take a deep breath (if one is breathing, one can’t yell!)

97. Whisper (don’t know why this works, it just does!)

98. Turn the Lights off (the shocking factor stops kids in tracks and adds calmness)

…

100. Grab your hands together and squeeze (a great release)

Here’s to a relaxing parenting weekend! (Hopefully?)

syc